Diary Of A Lunatic

It's Been Some Quite Considerable Time..

2005-01-08T13:39:00.000+01:00

Man it's been ages!! Welcome everyone and anyone, hope you all had a good Christmas and New Year. I sure did! I've been pretty busy since I last updated. I'll try and put down everything I can remember.

Had my GCSE mocks which kind of sucked! Got my results back this week, didn't do quite as well as expected...oops
Christmas was pretty cool, on the big day Gav, James and Nora came over which was a laugh and on Boxing Day the rest of the family came over for a bit of a doo.
New Year was rather marvellous. Went out with my big bro Gav, James and Nora around the local pubs which was great. Even Owain popped his head around which surprised the crap out of me!!
The week over New Year I stayed over Gav's house and watched a ridiculous amount of films, including two trips to the cinema. Lemony Snicket is fantastic. But the best film we watched that week had to be 'Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind'. This is most probably the best film I've ever seen in my life. It's funny without being stupid. It's romantic without being slushy. It's full of clever effects and comments. Go watch it.
I'm back in school now which isn't the best thing but it's probably better than a 'sitting in sick weekend' so I'll get on with it.
That get's me to today. The first band practice for ages is going to occur and it's the start of the 'Not too important to use public toilets tour' listen out guys!

The band is really picking up now. We have a few songs under our belt now and are getting pretty damn good. The new site is coming along really well and you can check it out at www.frontier-music.co.uk

Well that's about it for now, I'll try and update a little more regularly!!

Bye Bye

Snave!

WWE...AWESOME....TRIPLE H IS AWESOME..

2004-10-10T21:16:00.000+01:00

Just got back from seeing WWE Raw Live And Loaded...........oh my god. I would've quite happily paid the 30 quid just to see HHH walk down to the ring, that's why I watch wrestling, that's why.

I'll tell y'all the matches and you can check out some pics. Not sure if the matches are in order, I was too excited to keep an eye on everything.

Match 1

Rhyno And Tajiri Vs Hurricane And Rosey

Good quality match, nice gore from Rhyno. Winners: Rhyno And Tajiri

Match 2

Val Venis Vs Chuck Palumbo

Nice match, unlucky that 'The Big Valbowski' didn't land the money shot but cool nonetheless.

Match 3

Trish Stratus And Molly Holly Vs Victoria And Nidia

Puppies.....

Match 4

William Regal And Eugene Vs La Resistance, Tag Team Champions
special guest referee - Jonathan 'Coach' Coachman

Alot of chat at the beginning, but turned out to be solid match with 'classic' screw-over by Coachman allowing La Resistance to defend their belts.

Match 5

Chris 'Y2J' Jericho Vs Edge Vs Christian

Great match with a classic finish - tap out by Christian to the awesomeness of the 'Walls Of Jericho'.

I'll finish this tomorrow, I'm too tired! Just to wait to hear what the main event was....

Also, check out the band's new site - www.frontier.cjb.net have a look at the gallery...you'll love it.

First Job....Original Rock

2004-10-05T18:52:00.000+01:00

Good news came today in the form of a phone call from the manager of Cranes Music, Cardiff. I was going to ring him tomorrow if he hadn't of rang, and to be honest I wasn't expecting to, but lucky for me the shop is now opening on Sundays. I shall be there working a 6 hour shift - either 10-4 or 11-5 which at 25 quid for the day works out at about £4.16, not bad since I'm not even 16 yet...Also I don't get charged tax! I'm really looking forward to it now as I had such a great time on my work experience there and it was always a laugh. So if anyone is going to be in Cardiff on Sunday, pop in and say 'hey', don't worry about not knowing what I look like, I'll be the immature guy making fart jokes in the corner!!!!!

Once again the band has a new name, we are currently named 'Hetera' (said Het-Tear-er) which originates from fellow rocker, Gareth's, name spelt backwards. I'll probably go off it in a few days but for the moment I quite like it. Tell me what you think of it.

Also, a good luck to my bro, Gavin, who has just moved into his new crib in Roath. He's had a pretty bad few weeks but I'm sure this will be a great new start for him. Another thing which he should be looking forward to is WWE on sunday!! Gav, Owain and myself will be kicking some ass at the CIA screaming as loud as we can: ' Woooooooooo!!' It's going to be awesome!

That's about it I think, update soon and I might go trekking with the digi-cam and get some pics. Toodles!!!

2.......No Way........3 Musketeers!

2004-10-01T09:46:00.000+01:00

I'm writing this at my home, as I am off ill with the flu style virus I spoke of a few days ago. So is fellow legend Gareth! Some people would think that the band would be put on pause until we felt better.......We think not.

The Good News Bible - Chapter 1

The awesome duo that is the band...Currently un-named....Has now become a kick ass trio thanks to the legendary Geraint. He is the latest update to the group and is going to be our new singer and possibly bassist. Be prepared people......This is going to be something special.

The Good News Bible - Chapter 2

Being ill does have it's upsides, one being that I seem to have become a kick ass song writer. Last night I wrote two great songs and about 50 riffs which were all rather marvelous. So remember kids, if you want to rock as hard as we do.....Catch the flu and it will all be ok.

The Good News Bible - Chapter 3

Finally, it's official, the boys are going to the best concert in the world! Not just Deep Purple, not just Peter Frampton, but to complete the line up the awesomeness of Thunder are going to be there as well! This is going to rock the world! Wait....Did I just say 'rock the world'?.....Oh dear...

Devil's Story - Chapter 1

Well I was hanging in the back alley throwing some dice, when Officer Leroy walked up and he was like 'Hey, haven't I told you before?' So I was like 'Whatever!!' So then I told him to play the best song in the world or I'd eat his soul. So he played the first thing that came to his head, it just so happened to be, the best song in the world, THE BEST SONG IN THE WORLD! Then my arch rival, Hellboy (no, I won't bother linking to the film site!) came up to me. But he was just a bunch of crap so I burned him alive and he was like 'Oh yeah, whatever!'

Feeling Down, Rocking Hard - Kicking Ass!!!

2004-09-28T20:34:00.000+01:00

Ok, I had a bit of a crap day today. I felt a bit sad because I need a freakin' women!!!! Anyway, that's enough of that, Blues helps heal all pain so I say. Aggression, the forthcoming debut single from my band - insert name here - is really hard rocking, just got to slap in a solo...But I'll just improv that I reckon.

Now for the kicking ass section of the update. I once saw a child fall down and graze his knees, that wasn't nice to see. The child began to cry, then he got up and tried to run to his parent/guardian but once again, fell onto his hurting knees. He was now screaming his little head off and the other children running around started to walk over to him before they all hit the deck and started crying as well. By now parents were running towards the wailing children from all directions, shouting their child's name in that silly 'oos a ickly baby' kind of way. Once they reached their child though, their tone changed from sympathy to anger. The screaming also changed direction, from their whimpering kids to me. I looked on in confusion until one of the parents shouted: 'Hey you! What the hell do you think you're doing pushing over our kids like that!?' I then slyly ran off!!!! Mwahahaha, Snave gets away once again!

A Week And A Year!

2004-09-24T18:07:00.000+01:00

This week was possible the slowest period of time ever! Everyday I thought that 10Am was time to go home, which unfortunately due to a technical error on Tim Henman's part, it wasn't. I also thought that Tuesday was Friday......absolute bastard Wednesday morning when I had to get up! Still, it's all over now so I can rest up this weekend and go through it all once again next week!

The band has gone under another name change...we are apparently now called 'Gilbert' after the legendary Paul 'Alligator Farm' Gilbert. I'm not so keen on it but Gareth seems to like it so we can see how it goes, tell me what you think anyway guys. We have done another big ass rock session along with punk drummer Mr Pym, but we'll have to see how that goes too. New objective is to get co-rock* to learn how to solo, it will be done with minimal problems has he can pretty much do it already. Also, we have a few song lying around waiting to be properly finished, including my new awesome song: 'Hanging By A Thread' which is a great blues tune similar to BB King and Chuck Berry. Once I've finished it properly I'll post it on here for everyone to have a listen.

The date for my senior prom has been set, June 24th is the night! Should be good laugh, it's in The Vale hotel in Cardiff, got a limo sorted.....now I just need to pick a colour for me suit, I was thinking either white or blue!! Got me dated sorted too, Emma it is your lucky day!! Ahhh should be fun, even if it will be shit expensive!

That's about all that's been happening in the life of Snave the Rockstar so I'll update soon!!!!!

Welcome To 1985!

2004-09-20T22:12:00.000+01:00

I'm Hot for Teacher, or so they say. You should see my friends and family, bunch of characters they are. Gareth, the other god of rock was always saying: 'Hey Snave, write me a riff!' Riff, that's what we called it. Then my brother. He was always like: 'Yo Jeffrey, check out this huge DVD collection!' He really did love his films.

It was tough growing up in my neighborhood though, the area wasn't particuarly rough, but it was just hard to grow up in a society with drugs and smug tennis players. I guess the gods of fate were looking down on me though, as I made it through OK, landing a huge record deal before creating my own record company.

Being in the charts was hard. The band's debut single didn't even make it into the top 10 - people thought we were too 'rock' and not suitable for the audience that it was getting played to. The band's biggest competition was with Blondie, we were angry towards her at first, but once we finished our first album that went straight to number 1, we didn't feel quite so bad.

We carried on releasing number 1's until the big breakup in '87 where Gareth had to go to rehab to get 'clean'. 1 year later though and we were back on track with the huge comeback single 'Aggression'. This stormed the charts in both the UK and America and I heard that it was well received in Ghana as well, mainly due to the fact that it ran on electricity though by the sounds of it.

Later that year we main staged a huge charity event called 'Rock for Rocks'. The money raised was going to third world countries to clear the ground of rocks and other materials so as to provide a ground that could be farmed upon. The gig was a huge success and this gave the band a much needed boost following Gareth's second rehab session.

In Febuary the following season, Gareth decided that he didn't want to play any longer has he thought his drug problems were holding the band back. The other members of the band decided to split as well, but only after releasing one last, 'rocking' single. After months of consideration, Gareth decided to join the band and co-write their leaving song. The song was a massive hit and was a perfect time for the band to go their separate ways....

16 years on, Gareth is clean from any type of drug and the band will reunite and reform once again. The legends live on....

Jaffa Snake!!

2004-09-13T17:43:00.000+01:00

Awesome day at work today, the morning was slow as always, but in the afternoon by careers teacher, Mrs Giffard popped in. She spoke to my boss Andy and came back saying that he will be offering me a Saturday job at the end of the week! Wooo, although, that means a damn early start on a lie-in day....hmmm.

Also on the agenda is the council's use of the draining system around Cardiff. I believe that the space used for channeling faeces around the city could be used for a slightly more 'creative' way. I sent off an application to the council for the position of 'Creative Manager' but unfortunately I didn't get through to the second interview. My opinion that the drains could be used for a 'space-age bowling alley' wasn't seen to 'use the system in an environmentally friendly way.' At least that's another career choice to strike off the list.

The Legend Of The Rent Is Way Hardcore!!

2004-09-11T23:11:00.000+01:00

I've been having a bit of a film fest lately, watched School Of Rock, Hellboy, The Truman Show, Me, Myself And Irene and Bruce Almighty in the last few days. I do like a bit of Carrey when he gets cottonmouth in Me, Myself And Irene, never fails to please.

I've also been very tired lately as well, yes I know I should go to bed, but I can't be assed! I'm too tired to get up and get into bed, so I'll be a man and last it out.

Ladies, there's no need to fight, there's plenty of me to go around. Now form an orderly queue and I'll get through you three at a time. Take a ticket.

Diabolical....Scheme

2004-09-09T17:20:00.000+01:00

Nearly finished my first week at Cranes. It's been going pretty well, I'm using the tills now so at least I'm doing something. Quite looking forward to next week, although I may collapse over the weekend from mal-nutrition..Of the testicles.

Too tired to write much else, except how much old people/bus drivers/smelly people and hypo-allergenic should be banned from the depths of society.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GARETH FOR TOMORROW!!!!!!!!!!! But since you didn't get me a card.........You can bugger off!

Work Sucks!

2004-09-06T16:43:00.000+01:00

I started my work experience at Cranes Music today. I'll give you a run down of the days events.

I was told (by everyone) that it's hell getting into Cardiff in the mornings, so, following instructions I got up and caught the 8:05am bus, aiming to get into Cardiff for about 8:45am or something like that. Instead of this, I got into Cardiff at 8:15am and had to wander around the streets of town untill 9:00am, when Cranes opened. I was knackered by the time I got to work.
Andy, the shop manager took me on a tour of the shop (mainly for safety purposes e.g. where the fire extinguishers are.) then he gave me this 'staff file' book for me to read through, I went around the corner and had a look at the first page, before reaching for a guitar and busting out an awesome tribute to 'Zeppelin'. Then Andy told me to look behind the counter to familiarise myself with where everything is kept. I did....for 40 minutes....Andy the git had forgotten about me!!
After that incident I started talking to this other guy, Tom, who had me labelling up guitars and stuff, that was pretty cool butnot as cool as...
Playing a Gibson SG!!! Oh yeahhh, it's awesome.
Andy then came back and said that I had to work till 4! So i did, then I came home.
But not before getting off at the wrong stop and getting lost! Damn you Cardiff!!

How was everyone else's day? Mine was marvellous!

Shablam!

2004-09-04T20:33:00.000+01:00

Well, I didn't see Henman, (thank god) but I did have some god awful rice. It appeared on my plate and I was afraid, I thought my life would end. I did attempt to force the evil 'food' down my throat, but it made me feel ill so I dumped it in the bin. Now that I think about it though, I could've fed a 3rd World family for a year with it!

I am currently watching 'Tears Of The Sun'. It's an army film with Bruce Willis, I'll tell you what it's like later on. I might watch School Of Rock (again) later as well, but that depends whether I'm in the mood to rock. What am I talking about? I'm always in the mood to rock!

My new objective in life is to be a hero. Maybe not a superhero like I spoke about before, just a normal hero. I think I'll go out looking for trouble, just so I can defend myself and anyone else in danger, then maybe I'd be on the news. Actually, screw the news, I want my face to be carved into the moon, a bit like Mount Rushmore, but bigger. Huge in fact. I'd have to decide what sort of face I would want put on the moon though, It would be funny to have a cheesey grin, but it would look silly after a while. I'd probably end up pulling a 'moony' since it's the moon and all. I wonder if the world would allow that, I mean everyone would have to look at my ass every night! I don't know whether it would be possible, but I would like to have my act of heroism made into a cartoon, then carved into the moon. It would have to be made funny though, well, at least funnier than Dilbert, that show sucks. I need to become a hero first though, anyone fancy risking their life so I can save them?

It's A Long Way To The Top.......If You Want To Rock And Roll!!!!

2004-09-04T13:12:00.000+01:00

Ac/Dc certainly got that one right, Asphalt Strike may soon be appearing in the .....Barry And District?! I'm not sure, point is that Gareth is doing his work experience there so he's going to try and get the name around the world...Well....Barry anyway. Go and buy the paper just in case, because even if we're aren't in there it's still a marvelous piece of toilet paper, super absorbent.

I've been getting into the rocking mood a hell of a lot lately, I'm now constantly playing on my guitar and jumping around my room. In fact, I think I might be on the HIGGGGHWAY TO HELLL!!!

I'm in a bit of a predicament at the minute though, I'm looking to buy a rocking t-shirt, but I don't know which one to get, I'll post the pic so you lot can help me decide.

I've noticed that lately I've stopped talking quite so much crap and am now using this as more of a diary sort of thing. This will have to stop. Might post something in a bit...Depends if I see Tosser Tim, if I do, prepare for something special.

Also, tell me what you think of the new look logos planted around the site, I think it gives a more 'individual' feel to the blog!

Bulldog And A Shitzu....Bullshit!

2004-09-03T17:49:00.000+01:00

I just found this awesome site all about a bulldog, who can skate! I didn't believe it at first, but check it out, this dog can't just roll along on a board, he can push himself along and turn! Tyson (the dog's name) is a rockin' little guy. Go...Watch...Now....

I also started school once again today, it's OK though, today was my last day for another 2 weeks! God bless work experience. I'm quite looking forward to it, although I don't fancy getting up early...And missing my naps. Hopefully I'll manage to look alright and attempt politeness at 9 O' clock in the morning....But I doubt it. I wonder what kind of people buy musical instruments at 9 in the morning anyway. I'll find out and report back. May try to fall off a ladder or something, insurance money is always a treat.

Yesterday, the riff machine and my partner in rock, Gareth came over. We did one hell of a lot of rocking. Didn't to much in the way of writing material but we played some awesome covers. Added to the ever increasing playlist yesterday:

The Clash - I Fought The Law
AC/DC - Highway To Hell
Red Hot Chili Peppers - Minor Thing
Queen - Crazy Little Thing Called Love
Slash's Snakepit - Ain't Life Grand
Tesla - What You Give

I'm sure you'll agree, some pretty funky tunes eh?! Asphalt Strike are becoming bigger every day, so watch out for us...

I know, crap pic, but I don't care......those bands rock.

Also, Hey to Owzy O, he has a pretty cool site so go and check it out.....here.

The Story So Far....

2004-09-01T22:17:00.000+01:00

Weeeeeell, I'm now a 15 year old lad, trapped in a 60 year old's body. I am back in school on friday so today I went out shopping and bought the usual 'back to school' lark, shoes, clothes etc. It's ok though, I'm only in school for one day, starting on monday I have 2 weeks of work experience. If you're in Cardiff during the week, pop into Cranes Music and laugh at a lazy boy being forced into child labour.

The band is going well, still no new members but we have riffs aplenty and are constantly thinking up silly lyrics. Because I was in Kent for the last week, I haven't been able to play my ol' guitar so I'm making up for it now by 'rocking out' alot. I've also decided to build a robotic band member out of lego, probably won't work but it's worth a shot i guess.

I've recently noticed that Indiana Jones is a pretty cool guy. I bet that guy could get himself out of any trouble. He's abit like James Bond, but a bit more, adventurous. He's also damn good with a whip, I bet girls queue up to get whipped by him. He is also one of the few guys (excluding cowboys) who can get away with wearing a hat like that. I can only think of him and the legend that is Mr. Bic who can pull it off. Although Mr. Bic can get away with wearing a cowboy hat, trench coat and red shoes together so I think he wins. Ahh...Mr. Bic, he's great.

Lately, I have taken a dislike to rice. I can usually eat it with a chinese and the such, but now my tastebuds are begginning to wage war against the oriental side-dish. Sweet and sour chicken still rocks my mouth though!

It's Been A While...Maybe Too Long

2004-08-31T20:24:00.000+01:00

Trains suck. Today I had to sit on one for one and a half hours. That might not seem like too long, but when you are on your own...It's very boring. That brings me along to my next point...How cool mp3 players are. I probably would've been even more bored without my trusty steed (I mean mp3.) In case you were wondering, I was on a train because I was on my way back from my bro's house in Kent. I can't tell you anymore, it's confidential.

I've also just discovered a new planet. I've decided to call it 'Fandabidozilydangly'. It's a giant planet...Although it is only about 3/10 the size of the Earth. It also has arms...And legs....And a head. I'm not sure if I have discovered a new planet, no, I'm sure I haven't. It's the fat kid from across the street.

This is an artist's impression of what Fandabidozilydangly might look like.

As you can see, it is very hard to distinguish whether 'it' is a human or a planet. I was fooled for at least 30 seconds. Fat people, who would've guessed it.

In other news, my band, Asphalt Strike have decided on a final logo, although if anyone would like to send us a better logo, it would be greatly received. Take a look and tell us what you think...I made it all by myself, go me! Obviously, the actual logo is better quality than this, so don't bother whinging about that.

Also, there have been no sightings of the escaped convict, Cheeks The Bum Bandit or his accomplice, Krusty Kling On. They are believed to have successfully escaped. I'll keep you updated on this story as I hear about it.

Jinkies Scoob!

2004-08-25T17:22:00.000+01:00

It's me freakin' birthday!!! Just think 15 years ago, there was a fat, screaming woman giving birth to little ol' me. Went bowling earlier where I absolutely annihilated my bro....oh yes. My little sis gave me the rocking best hits of Aerosmith and me big bro gave me Scooby Doo 2 on DVD! (Yes I am 15 WOOO!!)

Now I'm just chilling, my fingers are burning to rip open some wrapping paper, and then eat it. Once I ate a whole Bible...But that's a different story. I'll just say that I could truly use the words 'Holy Shit!' Family are coming over later, hopefully blag some more money and that lark.

Well, now that the boring part is out of the way, let's talk about the realization I had earlier, 'One day, I may be a millionaire, and when I am, Tim Henman will be the first person I will have slapped/killed/raped. That's right 'Tosser Tim', don't think I've forgotten about you, I'm still biding my time. Can you feel my cold breath on your neck? No? Well, that's because I'm actually nowhere near you, but soon.....I think it might be best if you did it yourself before I get to you boyo..

NEWS REPORT!! JUST IN!!

2004-08-25T09:35:00.000+01:00

We have just had reports on a possible sighting of the run-away criminal, 'Cheeks The Bum Bandit'. He was believed to have been seen leaving the local animal shelter with a sack full of puppies. Also believed to be in the bag was a turtle, as the animal's head could just be seen poking through the top of the bag.

'Cheeks' was also seen later in the day crossing the St. Athan - Llantwit border whilst riding a tandem bicycle with his accomplice, 'Krusty Kling-On'. They were believed to have been 'laughing and joking' as they smoked Cuban cigars. The Police very little information about 'Krusty', apart from the fact that he likes to smoke Cubans, although the Police believe this to be 'extremely positive evidence.' The whereabouts of the criminals now are currently unconfirmed.

Police have searched the surrounding buildings of the shack they were believed to of been staying in, but the bag of animals has yet to be found. Sgt. Winterlight of the St. Athan police spoke to us earlier: 'I have high hopes that we will find these criminals and the missing animals. Just because he can incapacitate people with his 'Breath Of Death', that doesn't mean that he can't be captured by authorities.'

Once again the Police have spoken in a press meeting and told local citizens: 'Do not approach under any circumstances, just call us and we'll get the job done.'

An Arse To Far?!

2004-08-24T21:39:00.000+01:00

Wanted clean or dirty, Cheeks The Bum Bandit. 'Cheeks' is wanted for numerous criminal offences including: Stealing cars, Importing asylums and Gang rape. The criminal often goes under a huge array of names consisting of mainly these three: Gareth Collicot, Sasperella Davis and Gavine Evans.

'Cheeks'' was being held in Rhoosiau county jail until the patrolling guard was called over to the Bum Bandit and was knocked unconscious by the run-away's trademark maneuver 'The Breath Of Death'. He then continued to choke approaching guards with his intoxicating gas. He is now believed to be loose in the St. Athan area. The police have had several leads unto the hiding place of 'Cheeks', but do to the increase in pollution across the South Wales area have been unable to follow the up.

The South Wales based activist group, 'Cleanies' are furious with the pollution increase. The head of the group talked to us earlier: 'I am incredibly angry at this criminal and believe he should hand himself in immediately so his terrible gas doesn't lead to a bigger problem that may concede into other areas of South Wales, if not the world.'

Local police have warned citizens in the area, not to approach the Bum Bandit unless wearing a gas mask or have an even worse smell to battle 'Cheeks' with.

If you have any information on the whereabouts of 'Cheeks The Bum Bandit' please send notification immediately to gavin.evans@ntlworld.com

Never Ending....Ends

2004-08-24T18:22:00.000+01:00

I have decided to design, create, invent a working food that is a 'Never-Ending Sausage©'. It will be a world first and will hopefully take middle-age, working class women by storm. The sausages will be created using patented machinery which has also been designed by myself. The Sausages will be packaged using a new 'space-age' material and will stop any bacteria entering the packaging and onto the meat. I hope to have this new exciting line of produce on store shelves by the end of the year and am currently in the 'slaughtering' stage. If you have a pig that you no longer need please, give me an email and we can set up an interview.

Disclaimer - 'Never-Ending Sausage©' and 'Never-Ending Inc.' are purely fictitous. Although this product is a figment of my imagination, the invitation for unwanted pigs still stands.

'Never-Ending Sausage©' has no affiliation with Walls Sausages or any other sausage producing company.

Oh Globbits!!

2004-08-22T23:21:00.000+01:00

As the sun sets over the peaceful village of Rhoosiau, a sudden urge is growing. Beware kids, Joshwa Snave is hungry. It's getting late now and Snave is already up in his room....There's no chance of him getting up now. I know having an evil master upstairs can be a troublesome deed but this can be overcome with one simple solution, I will help you, young samurai. These tips below will make sure that you never have to hear those evil words: 'Feed Me Berk!'. Remember kids, 'It's all your fault Boni!'

Step 1

Have a look in your fridge and your cupboards and pick out the following 'ingredients':

Some bacon - Preferably not gone off, but if that' s all that you have then no worries
Muffins - Not the chocolate type muffins, the ones that you get with McDonalds breakfasts
Pancakes - Scotch if you can, although probably tastes great with home cooked ones
Tomato Sauce - Enough said
Maple Syrup - Try and grab some Canadian stuff and before you ask, yes, that is all that is good about Canadians
Plate - Not paper as it will either leak....Or just dissolve
Knife and Fork - You can try and eat this with your hands but I wouldn't recommend it
Frying Pan - If all else fails you can just the evil master upstairs
Spatula - Preferably washed since your last 'kinky' night alone
Cooking Oil - Same sort of comment as above
Toaster - What do you put in a toaster? Toast? You stupid twonk it's bread...BREAD! You bloody ass, go and stick your head in a toaster.....Toast?! You funkin' idiot!
Anything else you can find that will please the evil master upstairs....Toast!? Honestly!

Step 2

Now you have everything you need to:

Whack on the gas - I know what you're thinking, please don't
Pour in a bit of oil - Cooking oil by the way in case you were wondering. I know I'm talking to you like a little kid but after the toast incident, I think I better
Slap in some bacon - Literally slap it in, go on, I'm sure boiling hot fat doesn't hurt....Go onnnn
Cut your muffins in half - With a knife, don't try and use your butt cheeks
Turn on the grill - Full power, yes that's the button that says 'Full Power'
Put your pancakes in - Try not to dribble on them
Sit and wait for a few minutes - Remember to check on your bacon and the pancakes...Don't go and have a crap
Take the muffins out of the toaster - Don't try this until they have popped up. Yes, haha you're very funny, I said 'popped up' and you made it seem sexual....Wit wit bloody wit
Slap the bacon in the muffins - Once again, slap it, slap it good
Put pancakes on plate - I better warn you, they're hot. Oh too late

Step 3

Now here is the tricky bit, well I say tricky, tricky for you most probably:

Open up your muffin - Open, as in opposite to close....dumbass
Squirt some sauce on the bacon - Sauce? Yeah, I told you to get some earlier. You idiot. Well the evil master upstairs will have to do without, won't he?!
Place the top of the muffin back on the base - Easy enough eh? Oh...It's obviously not
In one swift 'flick' of the wrist, turn the muffin over - Yeah, I know it's hard. You're right, I better do it for you
Open up your muffin again - Wow, you're almost getting good at that
Pour a small amount of maple syrup onto the bacon - Small amount, small. No, that's covered the plate....And the floor
Put the top on the muffin once again - No, that's taking a bite out of the side
Drizzle maple syrup over the muffins and pancakes - What? You want to write your name? Oh fine, do what you like you twonk

Now you're done! That was(n't) to hard was it? All that's left to do is take the food up to the evil master upstairs, Joshwa Snave. Go on then, what are you talking about? You've eaten it?! You fat goit! Well you better start again before Snave starts whinging again. I don't care if you're bored of cooking now. Tough Shit.

New Post, New Band....New Crazy Pic!!

2004-08-21T21:55:00.000+01:00

Once again it's time for some more outrageous thoughts and dreams straight from the mind of Snave.

Today's topic will be loosely based around my new band 'Asphalt Strike'. It's current members are Me (lead-shredding guitar) and Gareth Collier/Htera Greilloc (slightly, only slightly less shredding guitar). We are now running auditions for the remaining members of the band. Just send me an email/comment on this post saying who you are, where you come from (chuck) and what you play. Also you need to live in the South Wales area as any further away than that would be silly. Asphalt Strike are an awesome new band who are looking to take Rock back to it's roots. So if you like Zeppelin, Hendrix and especially Slash......join us for a gd ol' sing song.

Now onto the crazy pic side of the post. I drew this pic earlier to see if I was able to draw muscles on people....I think it came out rather well. Tell me your comments.

If A New Age Is Coming...Shouldn't We Be Afraid?

2004-08-18T11:49:00.000+01:00

Someone told me today that a 'New Age Is Coming,' and I would just like to say, I'm quite afraid! If we aren't the new age, are we the old age? But that can't be right because the old age are OAPs. So maybe we aren't anyone, maybe when the new age appears, we will cease to exist. That scares the bejeezus out of me.

Oh yeah, something else has been bugging me lately too, Big Foot, (the human sasquatch) does he only have on big foot? That would suck getting shoes, I bet they don't allow him to go into Clarks, he must have to go the 'special' shoe shop where all the 'feet freaks' go to buy footwear. I wonder if he wears shoes, maybe he wears slippers or flip flops, or maybe he wears footwear that are made out of elastic so they 'stretch to fit'. I wonder how difficult it would be to sell shoes to him. I doubt he can speak English, he probably speaks Kantonese or Mexican or something like that. I'd have to have a translator to explain to him about my exclusive 'stretch to fit' material. That wouldn't be too great though because i would probably be working on commission so I would lose out on alot of customers as I wasted time, waiting for the translator to tell Big Foot what I was trying to sell him. Also, there would be the problem of him trying to eat me (and my translator). I'd have to make sure I got his attention straight away by showing him how to put on his new 'stretch to fit' footwear. Then I would quickly take his money, and run away. I would leave my translator though, he would've of annoyed the hell out of my by then.

Un-needed? Unwanted!

2004-08-18T11:24:00.000+01:00

Sorry to whinge about the Olympics once again, but this really does need saying. What the hell are all these crappy 'sports' doing in the Olympics?! I mean, I can understand the Athletics, Swimming and the Gymnastics, but what the hell is Kayaking doing in there? Archery, there's no need for it. Judo, no one cares about. Bloody Beach Volleyball, what the hell!?

The Olympics isn't the legendary, respected competition that is was years ago, it's a joke. Actually, it's worse than a joke. It's a publicity scam. Just an excuse for all the 'nobody's' who can't win anything to get the whole of their country behind them, just to crash out with so much as a bronze medal to show for it. But the Olympics doesn't stop there for these 'drop outs', oh no, these losers will complete advertisement campaigns for years, selling equipment related to sports to start with, but soon they will be reduced to advertising washing up liquid, TV programs and anything else their agents can get their grubby mitts on.

Now, this isn't to say that parts of the Olympics aren't great. In fact, the swimming I will quite happily watch and when the athletics start I will be watching, hoping that maybe Britain can win something this time. My only problem is with the crappy little sports that no one cares about. RANT OVER!

Super.....Duper.....Hero!

2004-08-16T19:07:00.000+01:00

Ok, I'm sitting here, now I'm standing...Sitting again, yes, I'm sitting in my room and I was just thinking about becoming a superhero. I'm not sure if you can just choose to become a superhero, I haven't seen any adverts in the Job Centre anyway. If I was a superhero, I don't think I would fight crime. I'm not saying there is anything wrong with fighting crime, in fact it's a great job, but for a superhero it all seems a little clichè. I wouldn't commit crime, well if I did I wouldn't admit it, I would blame it on the group of masked villains who were always trying to kill me.

I wouldn't just have one or two superpowers either, I'd have at least five, maybe even more. I wouldn't bother with invisibility, I'd just kick their ass (By 'their' I mean whoever it is who saw me.) I wouldn't have flying abilities, I'd prefer something similar to Spiderman's web shooting skill, but obviously not the same as I would be in breach of copyright infringement, a bit like when I was dressed up as Superman and ran through the streets of New York singing the Batman theme song, Nanananananananaa Batman! How about that, 2 lawsuits, 1 crime!

Since I was a superhero, I'd have to have an arch-enemy, but instead of him being a crime boss, he'd be a lawyer! So it would be me as a superhero (I'd maybe call myself: Superma, no that's taken, Batma, damn that is too, Spiderma, oh crap and that......Josh) vs the evil Swarve the Lawyer! I'd get into trouble because I wasn't helping to fight the war against crime, then the mayor would call me to court where I would 'battle it out' in an intellectual war against Swarve!

So has anyone got an idea on how to become a superhero? I wonder when I will become one?

Troublesome Predicament!

2004-08-16T15:58:00.000+01:00

It is now 9 days until my birthday. This would be great, except I can't think of anything I want.

The games industry is in it's usual summer lull, good DVD's are thin on the ground and I'm a little old for toys (but only by a little bit). I have no idea of what I can get, I mean there is always money, but that's a little boring and also then I would still have nothing to spend the money on.

Anyway, to get away from my problem, let's spend a minute in mourning for the unbelievable crapness of the British Olympic team. So far we have only one medal, that being only a silver. 'Tosser' Tim has been knocked out in the first round, THE FIRST ROUND, that is absolutely awful. Actually, it's absolutely crap.

A MESSAGE TO TIM HENMAN: Tim Henman, you are the worst tennis player I have ever had the misfortune of not being close enough to slap. If I ever met you in person I would snap your tennis racquet across the back of your head, then remove a string and whip you with it. You would probably not annoy me quite so much if you weren't so damn smug. When you win a game, set or match you should either celebrate madly or not celebrate at all. You are not supposed to do a half hearted, smug git, arm pump motion which is reminiscent of punching/masturbation. For the next 5 years I can GUARAN-DAMN-TEE that you will say/shout/scream that you will win Wimbledon, yet after the first round you will crash out of the tournament, followed by the millions of fat, sweaty, sad fans who are so enthralled with your crapness that they will even go to the extreme lengths of camping outside of Wimbledon to see every match you compete in, just so they can scream every 3 seconds: 'COME ON TIM! You will die, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but one day, I will be there, lurking in the shadows with a tennis racquet in my hand.

Well after that rant I better wrap this up before I start to babble. The Olympic Team Is Crap!

My Beliefs

2004-08-14T16:53:00.000+01:00

I believe that

I am the first ever person to do the thing I just invented.
They were actually holding Pinocchio upside down and it wasn't his nose growing.
A 'new fangled' gadget might as well be a mechanical ottoman when it comes to the old age pensioners of Kazakstan.
Fat people are actually thin people in a body suit put in society by the Government. They say 'Variety is healthy for the brain.'
Beliefs are born out of boredom and that Jesus was only accepted into society if he set up his own magic school called 'Jesus Christ...That's Magic!' Obviously we all know that this did not happen and he was crucified. The 'man' believed this to teach people to disobey orders so they replaced the story with a religious one instead.

If you disagree with any of the above thoughts and beliefs please send an anonymous, angry, insulting email to gavin.evans@ntlworld.com

Multiple Jaw-Spasm!

2004-08-14T16:06:00.000+01:00

When I get up at 5:00Am on a Saturday morning, I damn well expect something special. I expected abit of waiting, maybe a small queue, but what did surprise me however, was the hundreds and hundreds (of Rock fans) all lining up to spend their hard earned/stolen money on small, black and white pieces of card.

Now you might wonder why these individuals would go to such lengths for these seemingly useless stationary materials, but you would be missing an important point. That point being that these titilating bits of card are fantastical, awesome ...WWE RAW TICKETS!

There are many questions that I would like to ask, such as, 'Who ate all the cake?' and 'Can you video The Bill please?' but at this moment in time those points are irrelevant. All that remains to be asked is 'What would you do?'

What would you do if the fighting stopped, the arena was swallowed by darkness (the lights were turned off), the crowd turned silent and nothing happened? It would feel like time was standing still, it would feel as if this was a huge anti-climax but then, suddenly, a car crash is heard, the squealing of tyres echoes around the arena and the crown erupts. A million hands are thrown up in the air as their owners scream 'Bang Bang!'

This is WWE.......in my head